BEIJING—In a televised address to 1.4 billion beloved citizens caged in their own homes in the name of health, Chairman Xi Jinping introduced the Chinese Communist Party’s new Head of COVID Policy, Dr. Anthon-Yong Fauching.

“It is my solemn pleasure to serve the happy and free citizens of China as Head of COVID Policy,” said Dr. Fauching in a speech prepared by him then heavily edited by CCP agents. “I look forward to continuing China’s perfect record of zero deaths through proven measures of stringent lockdowns, quadruple-masking, and compulsory vaccinations.”

When a journalist asked if Dr. Fauching had any concerns about the costs to freedom and health resulting from such stringent prevention measures, as well as why in Mao’s name he was wearing a Fu Manchu and conical straw hat, the immunologist excitedly demanded the journalist’s immediate execution.

“That journalist was gravely mistaken,” said Dr. Fauching while wiping fresh blood from his hands and humming a happy tune, “Rigorous studies have shown that my obligatory policies have led to overwhelmingly positive changes in my happiness and self-esteem.” 

At publishing time Dr. Fauching warned the country that the entire Uyghur population has been infected with a dangerous COVID variant and should remain in camps indefinitely. 

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