RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA—Local man Dan Boats is being placed under church discipline after several reports of him wearing cargo shorts in public—a practice guaranteed to cause women who see them to stumble into sinful lust.

“Many men claim to wear cargo shorts because they are comfortable and practical—making it easy to carry essentials like knives, tools, and trail mix at all times,” said local pastor Craig Breg. “What many men don’t realize is that cargo pants accentuate the male body in ways that are irresistible to women, causing many to fall into temptation. It’s important that we protect our sisters in Christ from such impurity.” 

Sources say one report came from a group of Christian women at the beach who observed Boats standing brazenly at the water’s edge in his cargo shorts before removing his velcro sandals and wiggling his socked toes in the sand. Another observed him manspreading at a coffee shop while reading a copy of The Silmarillion, and yet another saw him at a hardware store in his cargo shorts, buying tools without even asking for help.

“If Mr. Boats continues to wear this immodest, irresistibly masculine attire, we will have no choice but to remove him from fellowship,” said Pastor Breg.

Pastor Breg was later called out as a hypocrite after being seen mowing his lawn in a pair of tight blue jeans and a set of alluring New Balances.

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