SCOTTSDALE, AZ—A local man chose to watch a game of golf on his television yesterday afternoon while relaxing on his couch with his favorite snacks. According to sources, he watched patiently as Rory McIlroy appeared to line up his shot at the 8th hole for twenty minutes before he discovered the TV had been paused the whole time.

“I sure have egg on my face,” admitted James Bilderberg. “My wife always teases me about how boring golf is and now she’ll use this against me!”

After unpausing the program, Bilderberg watched as the players remained motionless for another 20 minutes before another golfer finally walked down the fairway and consulted with his caddie about the best way to chip a ball onto the green. The difference between the live footage and the paused image was minuscule at best.

“Now we’re talking! Look at that golfer get a sense of the wind!” Bilderberg said. “So exciting!”

Bilderberg’s marriage has been negatively impacted by the revelation that he couldn’t tell the difference between a paused image and a live golf game. His wife Carol is reportedly doubting everything from his mental capacity to how boring she is.

“I mean, I can’t tell the difference either,” Carol said. “But I think it’s boring and he is practically on the edge of his seat! Does that make him a simpleton? Does that make me—boring? He likes golf and he likes me… it’s hard not to get offended.”

“What if I’m not boring enough? Could he be seeing a more boring woman on the side?”

At publishing time, Mr. Bilderberg laid a sick burn on his wife when he pointed out she also liked something super boring—himself. OWNED!

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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