JERUSALEM—Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he’d been entrusted with guarding the tomb of “some Jewish carpenter guy,” as he’d be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend.

Plinius pumped his fist and gave a little “Yeeeah boy” under his breath after his commanding officer told him he would be guarding the tomb of “this Jewish dude” who had apparently been causing some trouble.

“I’m glad they didn’t put me where the action is—I really needed some downtime,” Plinius said to his fellow soldier, Martinus, who was absentmindedly throwing rocks at a stump some thirty feet away. “I know we joined up for the action, but once you get into the military, you start to appreciate the more chill assignments.”

“I mean, guarding a tomb—how hard can it be?” he added. “Dead guys don’t typically get up and walk away, you know what I mean? HA!”

“Hey, I bet you I can hit that boulder over there before you can, Marty.” The two spent a few hours trying to hit things with rocks before lining up some pottery and taking turns trying to nail them with their spears. “Boy, I tell ya. This is the life. And to think some suckers got assigned to patrol on the other side of the city today! The Jews are all riled up about something or another. I’m glad I’m out here with you, bud.”

At publishing time, Plinius had woken up to a brilliant bright light. “Morning already?”

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

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