U.S.—Democrats have explained that they absolutely do not want billionaires controlling our media, unless those billionaires are named Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Michael Bloomberg, Warren Buffett, or George Soros—along with about a thousand other names, according to sources.

“Elon Musk buying Twitter would represent a dangerous new world where billionaires who disagree with me own massive Big Tech companies,” said local Democrat activist and vegan smoothie cart owner Polly X. Walden. “Imagine a world in which social media sites can just ban you for your opinion if it’s unpopular. That’s the world we would be creating if we were to allow Musk to buy Twitter.”

Walden went on to point out that Musk would have a huge amount of power if he owned Twitter, enough to “even ban the President of the United States” or “suppress stories that could change the outcome of a presidential election.” “We can’t allow that kind of power to fall into the wrong hands—hands that disagree with me, I mean. We must entrust absolute power to billionaires on my side of the political spectrum, trustworthy men like Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, and Michael Bloomberg.”

Liberal political analysts across the country agreed, sharing their concerns for a world in which billionaires ban their own opinions, instead of the opinions of their political foes. “You conservatives just don’t understand how dystopian it would be if a social media site could just, like, shut you down unless you affirm their view of the world,” said one CNN commentator. “It would be a very scary world indeed.”

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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