LOS ANGELES, CA—There aren’t a ton of great teachers left in California, but there are definitely a few. Mr. Hammond of Carter Rock Elementary School in the suburbs of Los Angeles hated seeing his kids masked up every day, so he came up with a genius plan: he rented out a decommissioned Boeing 737 and held class in there. Now, due to the inexplicable magical properties of SCIENCE, his students don’t have to wear masks anymore.
“I’m no hero,” the teacher told reporters. “I’m just doing what I would want any good teacher to do for me.”
According to analysts, it’s a foolproof plan.
“Yep, there’s nothing we can really do about this,” said his district’s superintendent. “He’s following the ever-changing science here, and for now, it’s airtight. COVID no longer spreads in airplanes. Unless you’re flying internationally. I think? I don’t know. It’s hard to keep track.”
The students are enjoying the time learning in the tiny seats and many say the pretzels are “quite good and way better than our usual public school food.”
At publishing time, authorities had confirmed that should the Biden administration win its appeal, the science will no longer allow for this loophole, and the students will be forced to be masked once again.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.