SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Progressive Christian couples across the nation are saving themselves for marriage by waiting until their wedding night to remove each other’s masks.
“Removing someone’s COVID mask is a sacred and intimate experience. That’s why my spouse Jeremy and I are waiting until marriage to lie together maskless.” said the soon-to-be Mrs. Pittman. “I’ve never even seen the lower half of his face!”
“Once we are one flesh, then it will finally be appropriate to see each other in our most vulnerable, unprotected state,” explained fiance Jeremy Pittman. “We have remained pure throughout our relationship, so we can wait just a little bit longer until our wedding night.”
According to sources, while the couple has rigorously kept themselves masked up, the couple did not adhere to the same standard when it came to abstaining from sexual relations as commanded by scripture. “I mean, we’re not religious weirdos who actually listen to the Bible, but we do keep in line with all statutes and principles from the CDC and Dr. Fauci, blessings be upon his name,” explained Pittman.
At publishing time, when the couple was finally married and alone they took off one another’s masks only to find out they had terrible oral hygiene and absolutely rancid breath. Amy added that Jeremy looked better with the mask and insisted he keeps it on permanently.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.