https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-exceeds-all-expectations-by-lasting-nearly-3-weeks/

ATLANTA, GA—Streaming service CNN+ blew away all expectations by lasting nearly three weeks before its demise was announced by Warner Bros. Discovery this morning.

Analysts had expected the service to last no longer than about thirteen hours, so CNN is calling the full three-week lifespan of the paid streaming platform “performance beyond our wildest dreams.” Some more optimistic projections had expected the service to last through its first weekend, but regardless, no one thought the service would last 

Primary among the factors that led analysts to this conclusion is that people won’t even watch regular CNN at an airport for free, so getting them to watch a paid version seemed like a long shot. Also, many in the industry were concerned that CNN Plus programming was “painful to watch and barely more enjoyable than a root canal,” lowering expectations for the streaming service.

“Rest in power, CNN Plus,” said Brian Stelter, a tear in his eye. “We hardly knew you. Three weeks sounds like a long time for a streaming service, but in reality, it’s just flown by. I remember the time a few weeks ago when we launched. It seems like just yesterday. But it wasn’t. It was, like, 20 days ago.”

“Time just flies by.”

CNN is next going to attempt a streaming service that just shows CNN hosts screaming at Fox News 24/7. This one is expected to last significantly longer, maybe until the Fourth of July.


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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