TALLAHASSEE, FL—Gov Ron DeSantis reportedly commanded his security detail to “Execute Order 66” while wearing a stylish black cloak Thursday morning. The order authorized the immediate mobilization of Clone Troopers to hunt down and execute all Disney mascots within state borders.
According to sources, a legion of Clone Troopers immediately descended on the Magic Kingdom, Disney Studios, and the Animal Kingdom. Surviving characters fled to Epcot to seek asylum in fake France but were lured out when the troopers feigned retreat and baited them with children.
Mickey Mouse was taken out with blaster fire while attempting to hug a defenseless child. The children were reportedly horrified to discover none of the characters were real and they had been secretly hugging pedophiles the whole time.
“No quarter shall be given,” said Gov DeSantis, his voice suddenly deeper and more dramatic.
Though his statements violate the Geneva Conventions, public approval for the governor has never been higher, recent polling data shows. Citizens of Florida cheered as Disney mascots were gunned down all throughout the different theme parks.
Witnesses confirm that mascots were slaughtered across Disney’s four parks and hotel resorts. Mickey, Donald, and Goofy reportedly fled Disney’s Beach Club Resort and became trapped in the wilderness where Goofy was eventually eaten by an alligator.
Some of the more moderate members of the Florida legislature have questioned whether DeSantis has become power-hungry in his attempts to murder every Disney mascot but did admit Florida was now a safer place to raise a family.
At publishing time, DeSantis announced the construction of a new superweapon to wipe out Cinderella’s Castle with energized kyber crystals.
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