CNN+, as Julio reported on Thursday, is drawing its final breaths before being mercifully shut down on April 30th, after some 32 days in existence. Not to belabor the point (okay maybe) but to add important context, here are a few things that lasted longer than CNN+ will have on its final day at the end of the month.
Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries — 72 days
Kim Kardashian’s marriage to former basketball player Kris Humphries (72 days) lasted 2.25x longer than CNN+ (32 days). pic.twitter.com/hecR14owut
— Morning Brew ?? (@MorningBrew) April 21, 2022
Jeffrey Epstein in jail — 35 Days
Financier and certified creep Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his jail cell on August 10, 2019 — ruled a suicide — 35 days after being arrested on an indictment he organized a conspiracy to sexually exploit young women.
Pope John Paul I’s reign — 33 days
Just more than one month after becoming Pope in 1978, JPI was found dead, reportedly of a heart attack, at age 65. His was the shortest reign since the 1600s, but it was still longer than CNN+’s existence.
Tom Brady’s “retirement” — 40 days
Tom Brady’s 40 day retirement lasted longer than CNN+
— ForAmerica (@ForAmerica) April 21, 2022
The Senate trial of Bill Clinton — 36 days
After the House of Representatives voted to impeach President Bill Clinton on December 19, 1998, the Senate began its trial on January 7, 1999 that ran until he was acquitted in a Senate vote on February 12, 1999.
Falklands War — 74 days
Today is the 40th anniversary of the start of the Falklands War. 2nd Apr 1982, Argentine amphibious landings began on the Falkland Islands, leading to the British Government deploying a taskforce, and the liberation of the Islands, following 74 days of conflict. pic.twitter.com/nUyqNlZdYj
— Commando Training (@CommandoTRG) April 2, 2022
The food in your cupboards — 2+ months
According to a list published by USA Today your onions, peanuts, winter squash, apples, tea, peanut butter, and dozens of other common items will stay fresh and edible longer than CNN+ existed.
“Transitory” inflation — 14 months (and counting)
The Biden administration’s attempts to avoid blame for rising consumer prices that currently sit at 40-year highs included calling the trend “transitory” and “temporary.” But after month upon month of new record price increases, the allegedly non-lasting pressure on the economy has far outlived CNN+ which was dubiously portrayed as the “biggest bet any company has made” in the streaming world.
The Flood — 40 days
You know, that one — Noah, the ark, lots of animals. CNN+ managed to launch and fold in less time than it took to flood the entire planet and drain it again in time for the animals to go on their merry way under a shining rainbow.
The Cavemen sitcom — 42 days
The failed sitcom spun off from the neanderthals popularized by GEICO commercials only ran from October 2 to November 13, 2007. Yet the cavemen were around longer than CNN+’s supposedly exclusive offering.
Short-lived sitcom CAVEMEN, inspired by GEICO commercials and starring Bill English, Nick Kroll, and Sam Huntington, debuted 12 years ago today in 2007 on ABC. It ran for six episodes; seven others never aired. #ForgottenTV pic.twitter.com/vBuvozxGfp
— TVObscurities (@tvobscurities) October 2, 2019
Brood X cicadas — 42 days
#POTD: Burrow, emerge, breed, die, repeat ??
Brood X cicadas live above ground for 4-6 weeks and spend most of their time feeding and mating before they die off.
??: Jeremy Hogan pic.twitter.com/9UHwrD0m32
— Discovery (@Discovery) June 11, 2021
The buzzing creatures whose carcasses littered gutters and sidewalks last summer stuck around just barely more than one month, but that’s still longer than CNN+ managed to cling to life.
New Coke — 79 days
#OTD in 1985 – Coca-Cola introduces “New Coke,” a decision that proves to be an epic marketing and PR disaster. 79 days later the company brought back “Coke Classic.” #ushistory #NewCoke pic.twitter.com/FoyTJUpRLn
— Edward T. O’Donnell, Historian-at-Large (@InThePastLane) April 23, 2020
The soda-world-upending reformulation of the legendary cola lasted from April 23 until July 11, 1985. Another corporate disaster, but one that lived longer than CNN+.
Joe Biden’s failed 1988 and 2008 presidential campaigns — 106 and 335 days, respectively.
The current president’s first unsuccessful attempt at the White House lasted from June 9 until September 23, 1987. His second losing run went from January 31, 2007, until January 3, 2008. Even though his third run in 2020 was his longest time on the presidential campaign trail, he managed to avoid being seen by most of the public by hiding in his basement, sort of like CNN+’s presumably inadvertent ending as an unwatched platform.