U.S.—Chris Wallace’s name started trending along with search terms “unemployed” and “learn to code” when CNN+ shut down this week, but Wallace has voiced a more troubling concern than potential joblessness: his recently-acquired CNN+ tattoo on his lower back.

“I went all-in on CNN after ditching Fox, but now I’m starting to have second thoughts,” Wallace said in an interview with a smirking Peter Doocy, wincing as he touched the still-tender skin just above his buttocks. “I was sure CNN+ was going to be a hit and that I would soar to new heights of relevance! How could this happen?”

Sources confirmed that Wallace is looking into tattoo removal services, but has been told a full removal will be difficult as he got the tattoo in solid black ink. He has also asked for his old job back at Fox but was turned down as Fox has a strict policy against anchors having CNN+ lower-back tattoos. The out-of-work newsman is now hoping for a future career on Dancing With The Stars or The Masked Singer

At publishing time, Congressman Kevin McCarthy was a few offices over, reportedly looking into tattoo removal services for his “Trump Stamp.”

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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