SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Eyewitnesses claim to have seen white smoke emerge from the roof of the carbon-neutral office building of Twitter, Inc., signaling the rare occurrence of employees burning documents in preparation for their new CEO, Elon Musk.
Employees for the social media giant were also seen groping comfort blankets, sobbing at their emotional support animals, and suckling adult-size pacifiers.
“I was walking past Twitter HQ following my daily lunch slash yoga session slash detox sauna when I saw the smoke,” said eyewitness Stephan Diamond (no relation) while shaking their head and holding back tears. “I literally almost dropped my Kombucha-Infused Bubble Teappuccino®. Those poor theys must literally be dying knowing they’ll soon be working for literal Hitler.”
Diamond then walked across the street to their job as lead attorney for Uber.
Many suspect Twitter engineers have already begun reversing devious measures meant to silence the voices of freedom-loving Americans who spend most of their day on Twitter. In one example, user @Faucilluminati489923 tweeted a sensible post about the Clintons, Putin, Pfizer, and New Antarctica forming a satanic pact aimed at placing humanity under mind-control using vaccine warfare, and has not yet been banned.
At publishing time, Elon Musk had just demonstrated a new technology that successfully reverted a pile of ashes to its original form: a stack of documents from Twitter HQ.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.