BOSTON, MA—Local couple Brad and Tanya Washington have finally achieved their dream of homeownership, purchasing a dilapidated crack house for a mere $100,000 over the asking price.

“What a steal! Look honey, there’s still an intact window over here!” said a jubilant Mr. Washington. “Wow, just think—someday there could be a baby crib where that hobo is sleeping!”

Mr. and Mrs. Washington began their home search over a year ago, looking for a two-story home in a good school district with well-established trees and quaint Northeastern charm. They excitedly made their first offer on a perfect find, only to learn theirs was the 113th offer and they had been outbid by seven million dollars. 

“We had to change our priorities a little. Instead of looking for the perfect school district, we began asking how many homicides had occurred on the property,” said Mrs. Washington. “We also had to shift tactics, doing stakeouts on homes that could go up for sale, kidnapping people before they could put up for-sale signs. It’s a seller’s market.”

At publishing time, the happy couple reported their housewarming party had been a huge success as they only counted four drive-by shootings during dinner.

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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