ESCONDIDO, CA—Local man Jack Wylder was urged by his wife to go on a morning walk to get some exercise. He agreed to go on the walk but clarified from the outset that he refused to be happy about it.

After taking just a few steps on the path that meandered through the city and up into some beautiful, hilly terrain, Wylder resisted the urge to take a deep breath of the fresh, morning air and comment on how nice it was to be outside.

“The sun’s in my dang eyes,” grumbled Wylder as the first rays of morning peeked over the hills and bathed the couple in a warm glow that perfectly complemented the cool breeze whispering through dew-kissed trees.

True to his word, Wylder resisted smiling and waving to friendly walkers, opting instead for curt nods and brief eye contact. His resolve was put to the test when a hiker passed by with the cutest dog he’d ever seen. He decided that giddily stopping and petting the dog was acceptable because asking the dog if it was not just the most adorable dog ever while scratching behind its ears did not constitute a walk.

As the morning walk ended, Wylder told his wife that he agreed to go on a walk tomorrow morning but would still refuse to enjoy it.

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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