WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold new strategy, Democrats have announced brand-new policies to fix all the problems caused by their old policies.
Political experts suggest it has occurred to Democratic leadership that ruining the country is not popular among moderate voters and that they must course-correct ahead of midterm elections or they won’t be able to enact even worse policies later.
“We can fix this. Trust us,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Our policies are directly responsible for increased inflation, high gas prices, surging crime, an insecure border, and everyone kind of hating each other—which obviously means we know how to fix it.”
“First we’ll declare war on Russia, then—hey, why are you booing? We can’t cancel student debt without it!”
Sen Elizabeth Warren has been one of the most vocal supporters of Schumer’s “Oops Where Is The Undo Button” Initiative.
“I spoke with the president this morning,” she said with fiery indignation in her voice for some reason. “And he backs us 100%! These new policies are going to undo all the terrible things we did in the last year. No, really!”
At publishing time, President Joe Biden quietly reinstated a few Trump-era policies to keep the country from collapsing on itself.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.