WASHINGTON, D.C., US—Leaked reports indicate that Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown-Jackson spent all Monday night poring over biology textbooks to learn what a woman is so she could defend a woman’s right to abortion on Tuesday.

“When the ‘Liberal Justices Only’ group text message became all about ‘women’s right to abortion,’ I knew I had to learn what a woman is—by becoming a bona fide biologist,” Justice Brown-Jackson shared with reporters early Tuesday morning. Eyewitnesses described Brown-Jackson as having a chewed-up pencil behind her ear and looking bleary-eyed during her statement. “Even after hours of cramming, I’m no closer—I couldn’t even pick 10 women out of this lineup of reporters!”

Inside sources have confirmed that Jackson-Brown took repeated trips to the Supreme Court’s Keurig coffee maker in the break room, and confided to the janitor in her frustration: “I got into this business to commute the sentences of pedophiles! Why would I need to know scientific jargon about XX and XY chromosomes? I’m not a biologist!”

At publishing time, Justice Brown Jackson had recused herself from further involvement in Roe V. Wade or “women’s issues” since she still could not define “woman.” She was last seen staring at a wall and drooling from the mental exhaustion.

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