WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an announcement leaked to the press, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts stated the person responsible for leaking the draft of the court’s Roe v. Wade decision was found to be Swedish Supreme Court Janitor Hildur Clintonheim.
“Our elite team of court investigators did phenomenal work catching Clintonheim,” said Chief Justice Roberts while simultaneously checking Twitter to get a read on which way he should rule regarding Roe v. Wade. “And to think this whole time we gave this janitor access to our documents, our offices, and Justice Kavanaugh’s keg den.”
Roberts said investigators caught Clintonheim in the nick of time as he was trying to replace Justice Amy Coney Barrett’s real, wooden gavel with a fake gavel that made a squeaking sound when hit. Experts believe that had the janitor pulled off this second heist, the nation would have plunged into depravity and chaos, full of parents killing unborn children and adults openly grooming and drugging school kids.
Shock and dismay have reportedly rippled through the halls of the highest—and now most vulnerable—court in the land. Justice Sonia Sotomayor expressed particular surprise at the source of the leak, stating she didn’t know Sweden was a real country.
The investigative team who caught Clintonheim could not be reached for comment as they had all mysteriously killed themselves.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.