Former Miss USA pageant winner Cheslie Kryst who committed suicide by jumping to her death from her New York City apartment on January 30, sent a haunting text to her mother just before she died.

Kryst’s mother, April Simpkins, appeared on “Red Table Talk” with host Jada Pinkett Smith and revealed the poignant, heartbreaking details of the text.

“First, I’m sorry, by the time you get this, I won’t be alive anymore,” Simpkins read from the text. “And it makes me even more sad to write this because I know this will hurt you the most.”

“I think at that point I near blacked out,” Simpkins said tearfully, “because by the time I read the text an hour had passed.”

“I don’t even remember step-by-step what had happened,” she confessed. “I do remember I was calling my husband and screaming and he’s saying, ‘What? What?’ and I got home and we’re just trying to figure out what to do. I had not read the rest of her message; I just couldn’t.”

“When I scrolled it I could tell that it was long, and I thought, ‘This is not good,’” she said.

Simpkins then read the rest of the message, which stated:

I love you mom, and you are my best friend, and the person I’ve lived for, for years. I wish I could stay with you, but I cannot bear the crushing weight of persistent sadness, hopelessness, and loneliness any longer. 

I’ve never told you these feelings, because I’ve never wanted you to worry, and because I hoped they would eventually change, but I know they never will. They follow me through every accomplishment, success, family gathering, friendly dinner —  I cry almost every day now, like I’m in mourning. I wished for death for years. And I know you would want to know and want to help, but I haven’t wanted to share this weight with anyone. 

Regardless of that, thank you sincerely for being there for me in some of my loneliness moments without me even telling you I needed you. You have kept me alive and ready to face another day, because you answer every phone call and you are there for me at the drop of a hat. You listen to me and care when I tell you what goes on in my life and you’ve always made me feel like if you loved me. 

I love you more than any person I’ve ever known. You’ve done nothing wrong; you’ve done everything right. 

I no longer feel like I have any purpose in life. I don’t know if I ever really did. …

I’ve pushed away most of my friends, and I can’t fix any of it no matter how hard I’ve tried. … So I will leave and rejoin God in heaven and hope to find peace there. I don’t want to leave, but I genuinely feel like I have to if I want to escape my loneliness that feels like it has no end. I fought against depression for a long time, but it’s won this time around. 

There aren’t enough words in the world to describe my love and appreciation for you. You are the perfect mom and I will love you forever, even in death. 

Feel free to share this message. People should know that you are the best mom in the world and that you were the best mom to me I ever could have hoped for. 

“It took me a while to read that all the way through,” Simpkins remembered. “I would read some sentences and then I would just collapse. But after I really absorbed it, I became thankful. Thankful to have her for 30 incredible years that I would watch her. She knew that I would needed to hear those words.”

Simpkins recalled she and her husband quickly got on a plane to New York but were alerted by police as the plane was taxiing before taking off that their daughter had died. “I don’t remember the plane ride; I just remember my husband crying,” she said on the show. She added that when she and her husband got to their hotel room, “We were both just on the floor.”

“Depression is not always marked by someone laying in bed or unable to do things,” Simpkins concluded. “There are people who are high-functioning and can get through the day because they wear ‘the face,’ and we all are taught to wear that face. Cheslie wore that face.”

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a free hotline for individuals in crisis or distress or for those looking to help someone else. It is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.

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