GALILEE—During a recent devotional time, Jesus found himself flummoxed when reading his words in the popular Bible “translation” which renders the text “thought-for-thought” rather than “word-for-word”—“The Message.”

“This isn’t even close! It’s supposed to say ‘Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy’, but this says ‘At the moment of being care-full, you find yourselves cared for’—what even is that?! An illustration for a Joel Osteen sermonette??”

According to reports, Jesus’s eyebrows furrowed with increasing frequency as he thumbed the pages.

Reports also confirm that when Jesus’s eyes lit upon the description of the lilies of the field that neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, the rendering angered him again. 

“I’m not insisting on KJV, but this is a bridge too far. ‘They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it?’—I can understand trying to modernize, but this is an abomination!”

At publishing time, Jesus had thrown his “The Message” into the trash can where it belongs.

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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