CEDAR CITY, UT—Arnold Baker, a local antique shop owner, is hoping to get another four weeks out of his already flattened tube of toothpaste, say sources.

The tube of Crest Charcoal has reportedly been “empty” for a week already and was almost thrown away by Baker’s wife Sheila, but he stopped her in the nick of time.

“There’s plenty of toothpaste left!” he allegedly cried out, panic-stricken over the thought of the tube of toothpaste being tossed aside like an orphan child. “We can still get a lot of use out of it!”

Though Baker maintains his concern for the toothpaste is based on fiscal responsibility his wife has confided with her friends that her husband just doesn’t want to go to the grocery store.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him,” said Sheila Baker. “I can’t get any toothpaste out of it. I’ve already started using a fresh one.”

To prove that he’s not being ridiculous, Arnold Baker proceeded to tightly roll up the end of the toothpaste tube and tighten it under a vice grip to squeeze out the remaining paste.

“See? Easy peasy! We don’t need more toothpaste!”

At publishing time, Baker has resorted to cutting open the tube of paste and scraping the remainder into a petri dish he must keep moist until the paste is used up.

“I’m dealing with microscopic uses of levels of paste here, but I can still brush my teeth,” he lied to himself.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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