PORTLAND, OR—Abortion activists are criticizing the pro-life movement for caring nothing about the health and care of babies after they’ve been born, and they are expressing their extreme displeasure by destroying free pregnancy resource centers that provide for the health and care of babies after they’ve been born. 

“Anti-choicers only care about people while they’re still in the womb,” said activist Zimvox Guzzatrix (he/him) while throwing a Molotov cocktail through the window of Tender Mercies Pregnancy Center, which offers free food, clothing, daycare, education, and counseling to struggling single mothers. “Once people are born, they don’t care about them at all. We know this because they don’t vote for Communist policies, which studies show are the only possible way to cure all human suffering forever.”

Activists have vowed to continue decimating pregnancy centers until the Supreme Court changes its mind and agrees that the Constitution contains a fundamental right to kill the unborn.

“Make no mistake, we will continue to terrorize you all until you learn some basic human decency,” said Guzzatrix.

At publishing time, activists also vowed to violently disrupt Sunday church services until Christians learn some basic respect for their fellow man. 

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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