LOS ANGELES, CA—At the suggestion of his agent, his team of attorneys, and his plumber, Johnny Depp had bird spikes installed on his bed to prevent Amber Heard from pooping in it.

“I tried a scarecrow but she just started making out with it,” said the movie star best known for his role in an inordinately public trial involving Amber Heard going “number two” on his duvet. “I then tried using live owls but she just started making out with them. Hopefully, these bird spikes will do the trick.”

Sources confirm that after seeing the bird spikes, Amber Heard, made famous for her role in leaving droppings on Johnny Depp’s bed, screeched in dissent, flew around the bedroom’s massive chandelier a few times, then soared out the window in search of her lawyers.

After his first restful night of sleep in years, Johnny Depp reportedly awoke the next morning to discover poop in his slippers. His team of attorneys has recommended he install razor wire on all footwear to prevent any further vindictive defecation.

Following the public trial, the jury found both movie stars guilty of inflicting incalculable psychological damage on the American people.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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