WASHINGTON, D.C.—With infant formula shortages reaching crisis levels across the nation, Pete Buttigieg is struggling to find food for his twin babies and has been forced to resort to chestfeeding. 

“Well, I’m sad it’s come to this, but we have no choice. We have to chestfeed,” said Buttigieg to his husband Chasten. “With any luck, we’ll be able to harvest enough chestfluid to keep these babies nourished.”

Chasten Buttigieg then looked on in horror as his husband Pete attempted to chestfeed two nursing babies.

“My first several attempts at chestfeeding have proven unsuccessful, even after hiring an expensive lactation consultant,” Buttigieg later told reporters. “This is because human biology is homophobic and won’t allow a gay man such as myself to feed his own baby. And now my babies are starving and my nipples are sore. Does anyone know any women? Any women at all? Help!”

The Biden Administration has asked for any women on staff who know how to feed babies to report to the Buttigieg residence and assist immediately. The military also authorized an emergency delivery of formula to the Transportation Secretary’s house, but the truck got stuck on a racist bridge that Buttigieg had demolished. 

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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