WASHINGTON, D.C.—In increasing numbers, lobbyists say they are not exempt from the rising costs for food, gas, and other necessities. Paying off congressmen is more expensive than ever, lobbyists confirm, due to inflation and economic mismanagement.
“We got comfortable,” confessed Exxon Mobil Lobbyist Flitch Vandersneed. “We thought D.C. would always continue being a wretched hive of graft and corruption where we could buy and sell congressmen for cheap. Now, with inflation and increased competition from China, it can cost millions to buy out a corrupt senator to vote our way on a bill.”
The lobbyist went on to bemoan how a simple “bada-bing, bada-boom, pay the cash, clear the room” job had become unaffordable even for the wealthiest corporations needing to empty a town for a new factory installation.
Other lobbyists joined in and traded stories, recounting “the glory days” when they could buy a local mayor for less than $250,000, a representative for a seat on their board, or a Senator for early access to insider trading stock tips.
“Now, it can cost upwards of $1,000,000 and other unmentionables to buy a President’s son. With inflation, you might even have to buy one of his bad paintings!”
At publishing time, the cost to buy politicians had gone up yet another 2%. Biden has responded by eating chocolate chip ice cream and recruiting a marketing firm to concoct an excuse for the ongoing dollar devaluation other than the “Putin Price Hike,” which has still failed to stick despite the amazing alliteration.
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?