ANTIOCH, IL—Former President Donald J. Trump was crowned MAGA King shortly after pulling the legendary rifle of Kyle Rittenhouse from a stone. According to legend, the AR-15 rifle had been placed in the stone by Rittenhouse himself where it could lay dormant until a hero worthy of ruling America could pry it from its slumber.
A plaque at the base of the stone reads, “Whoso pulleth out the rifle from this stone, is right wise Ultra-MAGA King born of all America.”
According to sources, politicians and celebrities from all over the country have ventured to Antioch to try and pull the rifle from the stone, but even the strongest and mightiest have failed. When Trump arrived early Friday morning he discovered a weary Dwayne Johnson who had been unable to retrieve the rifle.
“No one can move the gun,” witnesses heard Johnson say. “Maybe no one is meant to rule.”
Trump valiantly said, “Stand aside, Rock. You’re a great wrestler, maybe the best ever, but how you treated Vin Diesel was terrible. Disgraceful, really. You don’t care about family.”
The former president then pulled the rifle from the stone as if it weighed nothing at all, and held it aloft in the golden beauty of the morning sun.
“The rifle chose me,” said the rightful MAGA King. “It was rigged against me from the beginning and I still moved it, if you can believe it. Sleepy Joe never pulled a rifle from a stone, okay, I can tell you that.”
Political pundits have disputed that a rifle pulled from a stone constitutes a divine right to rule in a democratic republic, but Trump called them fake news and compelled them to bend the knee to his might.
After a brief crowning ceremony, MAGA King Trump called in vassals from several red states and sacked Washington, DC. The district was reduced to ash and the swamp was drained once and for all.
“Sleepy Joe is in exile,” said MAGA King Trump. “We’re not letting him back in. We’re going to build a wall higher than ever before, straight to the firmament, if you can believe it. He’ll never get back in. What a loser.”
At publishing time, the once and future MAGA King has begun construction of a solid gold castle in Palm Beach, Florida from which he can rule all of MAGADOM. He has the best architects on the job. Tremendous architects, really. Maybe the best ever.
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?