U.S.—A disturbing report from the DOJ has revealed that up to 50,000 wives go missing each year in Cracker Barrel’s country store, never to be seen again. This phenomenon has been occurring for decades but is only just now coming to light. 

“We’re not sure what causes it, whether it’s the scented country candles, the rustic country knick-knacks, or the sweet old lady country clothes,” said investigator Phil Flanders. “But the Cracker Barrel Country store is like the Bermuda Triangle. It’s a black hole for wives.” 

Men across the country are also coming forward with tragic stories of how they’ve been affected. “I just wanted some country-fried steak, but she just HAD to look around,” said husband Biff Bluggins, wiping a tear from his eye. “She said, ‘EEEEEEEEEE! Look at the cute sunhats!’ And then she disappeared around a corner and I never saw her again. Curse you, Cracker Barrel!”

Authorities have vowed to investigate the tragic phenomenon until they find out what’s going on. Until then, men are being encouraged to keep their wives away from the store at all costs. 

UPDATE: The DOJ reports all the women have been found, still shopping in the store, blissfully unaware they have lost track of time. 

The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!

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