LOW EARTH ORBIT—According to sources on the International Space Station, a sudden message appeared to astronauts stationed aboard the satellite as it passed over Texas recently.

“I can make out the words ‘Hello this is Carol. Hope you are well!'” said ISS astronaut Kayla Barron as they orbited 250 miles above Texas. “And then, the author of the message seems to have signed it, even though she already said her name above. And presumably, the recipient of the message already knew it was from Carol anyway.”

Fellow American flight engineer Thomas Marshburn confirmed Barron’s findings, saying the message “must be some kind of code.”

Sadly, while the astronauts thought they had discovered some kind of encrypted message intended to reach outer space, it turned out to just be a text message from Carol Rutherford, 64, who had her iPhone screen text turned up to the maximum allowable font size.

“Ah, false alarm,” said astronaut Raja Chari. “It’s just another boomer sending a text message.” The crew aboard the ISS continued to receive messages from Carol, including a Minion meme and three large crying/laughing emojis.

At publishing time, they had confirmed they could also read Rutherford’s large-print KJV Bible from space.

The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!

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