BOCA RATON, FL—Conservative commentator Ben Shapiro, known for incessantly mocking Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and inviting her to debate him, has admitted to reporters that he now feels lost and aimless following the announcement that AOC is now engaged to her longtime boyfriend.
“Listen folks—I only wanted to own her with facts and logic and then explain economics to her, ok?” Shapiro confessed while flipping through all the letters he’d written to AOC but never sent.
“We could have had something special, ok gang?” he lamented. “I am quite sure I sent her all the correct signals—I called her names, I made fun of her giant eyes—you know, all the classic schoolyard charm. But she never seemed to notice me. Now she is with that other loser and will remain dumb forever.”
“I will never love again.”
National Enquirer reporter Alan Stratosphere was able to gain access to Ben Shapiro moments after the news of AOC’s engagement broke. He later recounted his experience:
He gazed solemnly out the window of his lonely castle, watching lovers walk hand-in-hand upon the sands of Boca Beach. The waves of time crashed into rock and sand like a quickened heart in the presence of love. He had half a mind to go wild, to spend all his money in a vain attempt to woo AOC from her fiancé. Alas, all his money was tied up in precious metals.
“I believe they will sing songs of this day,” said Stratosphere. “But they will be songs too hard to hear.”
Sources close to Shapiro confirm he has taken to pacing back and forth throughout the day, all the while wailing insults to AOC that echo back to him from the empty stone walls of his cold castle fortress.
Shapiro, who has been married for over almost 15 years, has at least taken some solace in the fact that his wife is a doctor.
“That’s kind of cool,” he said.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!