ELIZABETHTOWN, NY—A local progressive Christian confessed Monday that he was nervous about dying because he wasn’t sure if St. Peter would call him by his preferred pronouns when his name is read at the final judgment. The young fae, Shiloh Tanner, is reportedly hopeful that fae pronouns will be listed next to faer name in the Lamb’s book of life.

Tanner met with his priest Mother Francine Wilwaker at St. Thomas Episcopalian to discuss faers concerns in hopes of bolstering faer weak faith. The priest, a non-binary pansexual trans woman wearing an oversized robe, took the matter very seriously.

“I just feel that god would want me to be happy. She would, right?  If someone misgenders me that would make heaven uncomfortable and then it wouldn’t be a paradise,” fae said.

“Shiloh, God’s preferred pronouns are they/them, but yes. You do you, faeself! If I know anything about Heaven, it’s a place where everything you’ve ever done in life is affirmed and celebrated,” said the priest. 

Mother Francine thought about opening up the Bible and inspiring the young Christian with further words but couldn’t remember where her Bible was because she hadn’t read it in twenty-five years.

Shiloh left the meeting feeling inspired to change his pronouns for the fourth time.

At publishing time, sources in Hell confirmed that preferred pronouns will always be used there regardless of what Heaven’s policies are. 

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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