U.S.—With comedians increasingly under violent attack from hordes of deranged genderqueer communists wielding knives disguised as guns, Dave Chappelle has been forced to start performing his stand-up sets in a full suit of medieval armor and surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles.

“Hello, I’m Dave Chappelle,” said the famous comedian as he shuffled onto the stage slowly. “Please y’all be patient, this armor is a little heavy.”

Chappelle then opened a high-school biology textbook and began to read basic facts about human biology to the roaring crowd. 

“BOOOOO!” said a group of transgender polyqueer demiboy Satanists in the balcony. “Heretic! Transphobe! Burn him! Burn the knave!” 

The group then began shooting arrows at Chappelle in an attempt to end his transphobic set by killing him. Luckily, the suit of armor was enough to keep the comedian alive long enough to finish his set. 3 other angry activists who tried to rush the stage were eaten by a swarm of angry alligators. 

According to sources within the industry, Chappelle isn’t the only one who needs to protect himself. “We’ve had to beef up security measures for all comedians now that speech is considered violence,” said Buggs McChuckles, owner of The Comedy Store in Hollywood. “Anyone who delivers stand-up in our club will be issued a full set of armor and be given a moat filled with their choice of alligators, sharks, or Gary Busey.”

Sources also confirmed that stand-up comedy has surpassed Alaskan crab fishing as the world’s most dangerous job. 

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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