FARSON, WY—According to police reports, an epileptic child suffered a seizure after gazing at the most recently updated pride flag his parents had hoisted in their yard as a show of support as well as mob deterrent.

The mother, Katie Dopowitz said the seizure occurred mere seconds after gazing at the myriad of previously unknown colors representing a myriad of previously unknown oppressed classes.

“I just wanted to show support to our oppressed friends in their oppressed statuses as heads of government, media, education, and corporations,” said the mother while leading reporters to her front yard to show them the pride flag. “I never dreamed showing him our act of bravery and compassion would lead to such—”

Mrs. Dopowitz was unable to finish her sentence as she, too, had suffered a seizure after a brief glance at the coruscating banner. As reporters attempted to revive her, a passing car crashed into a mailbox and the driver was seen through the windows having a seizure.

At publishing time, multiple reporters had suffered seizures, as well as paramedics, the mailman, and an unfortunate flock of passing geese. NASA has not heard from the International Space Station since it passed over the home’s coordinates. Scientists are now concerned that even thinking of the flag’s innumerable, prismatic stripes could lead to seeezzy yuurbb smu-smu-smuuuu—

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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