PORTLAND, OR—Multiple independent reports have confirmed that Portland resident Allie Peck has become the laughingstock of her drum circle this week after she pulled up in a Subaru with an embarrassingly low 48 stickers on the back.
“You’re missing some of the basics – you don’t even have ‘#RESIST’ or ‘Think Globally, Act Locally’ or ‘Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History’ – this is Subaru 101, man!” Allie’s friend, hacky-sack instructor Dan “Free Solo” Kirk, cackled at Allie’s weak showing. Eyewitnesses say the interchange caused one of the dirtier hippies to tumble off a nearby slackline, creating a chain reaction that knocked off several Rastafarian hats and overturned a bong.
Another Portland resident and friend of Allie’s, Richard “Hike N’ Bike” Coeur, went further, questioning her commitment to progressivism. “This is a travesty, man–with all the stickers you’re forgetting, you might as well have a crusty McCain-Palin sticker from ‘08!” Mr. Coeur added that even Peck’s strategy needed work and that Peck had gone through several rounds of stickers in the same place on the car’s rusty body while still leaving several square inches of the window untouched – “an absolute waste!”
Online Subaru owner forums provide unambiguous guidelines for sticker-to-window ratios, with the key requirement being that at least 90% of the back window must be opaque from filth, gum-marks, and cracked stickers. Allowable decorations include stickers for “I’d Rather Be Driving My Hybrid” and “I Tripped Acid In Sedona” and “Free The Nipple.” The guidelines do allow for discretionary decorations, provided they are “anything that would make a Ford F-150 driver flinch.”
At publishing time, Mx. Peck tried to improve her situation by adding a couple “Feel The Bern” stickers, but they were later stolen by some other Bernie supporters.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.