OXFORD, MS—Physicists have pulled back the curtain on one of life’s greatest mysteries, discovering the existence of miniature black holes between a car’s driver seat and the middle console. 

“We always believed there was some powerful force drawing every object to that tiny, impenetrable crevice,” said researcher Dr. Ken Williams. “Turns out, it is not your imagination. The gravitational pull of that dastardly abyss is simply inescapable.”

For years, scientists had puzzled over reports of phones, credit cards, and goldfish crackers disappearing into thin air. The breakthrough came when researchers realized the inexplicable inability to see what had fallen into the gap meant that light itself could not escape. “It just made no sense, how a shiny object like keys could instantly become invisible,” said Dr. Williams. “That’s when it hit me, only the utter darkness of a black hole could explain this absurd phenomenon.”

According to the research team, no object appears safe from being sucked into the void. “Sunglasses – gone. Ham sandwich – gone. Wedding ring – gone,” reported grad student Jay Richards. “We asked one of the undergrads to try fishing around with his hand to see if he could feel anything. His hand has been stuck in there for twelve hours now! Ha, what an idiot. Never, ever put your hand into a collapsed star.”

At publishing time, scientists were studying how toddlers are able to recover Cheetohs from the black hole, and why the flavor is still so delicious.

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