VILLA RICA, GA—On the way home from his family’s long-anticipated trip to Disney World, toddler David Hayes informed his father that the Magic Kingdom had come up just short of a trip through the car wash.

“Daddy! No more Disney! I wanna go to the car wash!” said David from the backseat. “Mr. Clean’s is sooo fun! It’s my favorite!”

After donating plasma and taking out a reverse mortgage to afford the trip to Disney, Mr. Hayes had been optimistic the “Happiest Place On Earth” would top Mr. Clean’s. “But David,” said Mr. Hayes. “There were fireworks, roller coasters, shows, Stormtroopers, gorillas—and you even got to be in a show! Wasn’t that amazing?”

“I guess,” said David. “But the car wash has those cool lights that change colors! And I don’t have to walk anywhere. It’s the best! Can we please go Daddy, please?” 

“What—what happened?” Mr. Hayes asked his wife, seated in the passenger seat beside him.

“I think we just wasted eight grand,” she responded. 

At publishing time the toddler had downgraded Disney to 4th place, behind playing in mud puddles and going fishing with his Dad.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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