U.S.—On May 30, the nation held its collective breath to see what savings the Biden administration’s policies had yielded for their Memorial Day BBQ plans. The White House’s tweet from July 4th 2021, had boasted a $0.16 savings on cookout supplies, so everyone was ecstatic to learn what the haul would be for Memorial Day.

“I bet food prices will be at record lows!” local woman Rebecca Fisk refreshed the White House’s Twitter feed again, but eyewitnesses confirm that the last post was still a generic Memorial Day blurb. “Huh, there must be a glitch. Maybe Biden’s staffers are off work today, or they’re covering their feet, or maybe they’re on vacation?”

Widespread reports confirm that upon realizing it was Memorial Day this morning, groggy citizens rubbed sleep from their eyes and fumbled for their phones. Eyewitnesses report confusion and then frustration, however, as they realized that their expectations had been wrong, and that the “Putin Price Hike” beat out the “Biden Boom” yet again. “I thought we’d find out today that the economy had recovered, with inflation and prices at record lows. Come on, Jack!” Sources confirm that local comedian Joe Balmquist threw in his “Come on, Jack” zinger to twist the knife, but couldn’t shake his discouragement later that afternoon when he racked up a $450 shopping bill for a simple BBQ to feed his wife and two small children.

By the time this article was published, the price of hot dogs rose to $18.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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