SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Gavin Newsom announced he had contracted COVID-19 but, thanks to being vaccinated, quadruple-boosted, and receiving a quintuple boost—for elites only—was experiencing only mild symptoms. 

The governor also expressed confusion as to how he caught the dangerous virus when all his servants were masked.

“I’ve taken all precautionary measures, such as masking servants, sanitizing their living quarters, and socially distancing from all such rabble,” said Newsom while checking the padlocks on his servants’ quarantine cells, all currently occupied. “I just don’t understand how someone of my status could catch COVID-19.”

Newsom has sent an investigative team to the high-end restaurant, The French Laundry, to determine whether he may have been exposed to the virus while dining there the previous Sunday, Saturday, Thursday evening, Thursday mid-afternoon, or during the restaurant’s Tuesday All-Night Escargot-vaganza.

At publishing time, Governor Newsom enacted two weeks of lockdowns and a complete economic shutdown until he felt safe enough to again interact with his state’s peasant class.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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