BANGOR, ME—According to sources, local 36-year-old man Ryan Winkley recently decided to start running every day to improve his physical health, but oh no! After only one day he already has 7 new injuries!

“Well, it looks like my running career is already over,” said Winkley. Once I regain my ability to walk and run and turn my head both ways, maybe I’ll resume. But for now, I need to sit back in my recliner and heal.” 

According to witnesses, the trouble began when he started jogging down his street and stepped on a little piece of gravel in a weird way, which caused him to completely blow out his knee. He then sniffed some pollen in the air, causing him to sneeze too hard and mess up his neck. Within three minutes, his back, shoulder, ankles, calves, and left elbow were completely unusable.

Experts are warning that any attempt to go for a run after the age of 35 could result in devastating bodily trauma. People in this age group are being urged to stick to the elliptical machine at the gym or maybe just settle for watching TV in a recliner.

At publishing time, Winkley sustained 3 additional injuries on the elliptical machine and 2 more in his recliner. 

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