PHILADELPHIA, PA—In interviews this week, transgender swimmer Lia Thomas posed in front of a display case filled with recently won trophies and confirmed that biological males competing against women pose no threat to women’s sports.

“Yeah, no threat at all,” said Thomas. “I’m not even in it for the trophies. Just knowing that I’m free to swim against humans with less muscle mass and raw power than me and break records unopposed is enough! I’m a pioneer!”

Thomas then accidentally nudged the trophy case with a massive man-shoulder, causing dozens of gold cups and medals to come crashing down.

Scientists confirmed Thomas’s insistence that biological men hold no advantage over women with a series of very scientific opinion pieces confirming that they are scientists and are speaking and therefore the Science has spoken.

Sources say Lia Thomas’s winning streak may be at an end, however, as a brand new woman swimmer named Michelle Phelps has entered the league.  

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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