CORUSCANT—Emperor Palpatine’s office has announced the construction of a bigger and even more powerful Death Star equipped with a 9mm. The Death Star’s blast is said to be so powerful it can blow the core out of a planet.
“Goooood,” said the Emperor in an official statement.
According to sources, the Death Star foregoes the use of blaster fire or kyber-powered laser cannons in favor of metallic projectiles known as bullets. The bullets feature a bore diameter of approximately nine millimeters, making them the ultimate ammo for the ultimate weapon.
“This fully operational battle station is capable of moving through blaster-free regions of galactic space and our devotion to zero-carbon emissions means it cannot be tracked through conventional means,” said Lord Vader, a high-ranking official in the Galactic Empire. “There will be nothing to stop us this time!”
“This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! No, really!” said Admiral Stolle, an imperial soldier who was quickly promoted following the shocking destruction of the first Death Star that results in the deaths of 2,471,647 brave men and women. “The rebellion will be crushed in one swift stroke once we blow the core out of a planet and watch it ricochet through dozens of systems.”
Experts warn Palpatine should not put so much faith in the technological terror he’s constructed. The ability to destroy a planet, or even a whole system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force, they say.
At publishing time, the experts have mysteriously gone missing. All hail the emperor! Please don’t blow our lungs outside of our bodies!
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