PUGET SOUND, WA—Thousands of teachers who are out of work or on summer break are being forced to frequent playgrounds and shout their sexual preferences to random kids, as they no longer have a classroom full of captive listeners to discuss their queerness with. 

“HEY KIDS! MY NAME IS MIXIE TWERKSALOT, THEY/THEM!” shouted one local teacher to a gaggle of 5-year-olds playing on the monkey bars. “I’m a polyamorous pansexual non-binary queer with a disability! CELEBRATE MY DIVERSITY!”  

According to sources, the unemployed teacher was dismissed from her duties at Puget Sound Elementary for failing to teach her kindergarteners how to read “because words are weapons.” She has reportedly become like a wild beast prowling around local playgrounds without a government-mandated outlet for screeching out her personal sexual quirks, preferences, and pronouns.

“What she’s doing is not technically illegal. The first amendment protects her right to free speech,” said Sergeant O’Mathy of the PSPD. “Some Matt Walsh played on a loudspeaker will drive her away for a while, but she always comes back.”

Police have been keeping a watchful eye on the situation in case she attempts to groom a child, but confirm the unemployed vagabond has thus far only been super annoying.

“I am a pretty fairy!” she shrieked to reporters from atop a wobbly bridge. “YOU WILL CALL ME MR. DAPPER DAN!”

At publishing time, the park became a popular place for children once again after the crazed woman got a job on the School Board.

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

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