BOSTON, MA—According to sources, a local man with over 337 hours logged in Elden Ring has leveled serious criticism against organized religion, calling it the “opiate of the masses.”

“Religion is a crutch for weak minds,” said Zander Penelope while puffing on his vape and looking up from his run-through of New Game +3 with a maxed-out Arcane build. “People keep themselves distracted by pathetic fantasy stories so they won’t have to think about how meaningless their lives are.” 

According to sources, Mr. Penelope also has 1000+ hours in the Dark Souls series, a collection of My Little Pony figurines, and over 48,000 hours logged on PornHub. He hopes that his scathing criticism of religion will serve to wake up deluded minds so they can start living as free thinkers as he does.

“It makes me sad to think how lost and empty people of faith are,” said the man as he opened his DoorDash fast food order and searched Steam for another game to play. “I only hope they can see the light before it’s too late!” 

At publishing time, the Christian world reported being shaken to its core by Mr. Penelope’s devastating critique of their worldview and is forming several councils to figure out how to respond. 

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