VICKSBURG, MS—A new hospital operated exclusively by dads will contain just one room for patients to go walk it off.

“We are proud to provide the kind of great medical care here that only a dad can offer,” said Chief of Medicine John Kelso. “Wrecked your bike? Walk it off. Hand caught in a table saw? Walk it off, and don’t tell your mother. We even provide candy if patients will quickly stop crying.”

Every staff member at the hospital will be a dad who has had enough kids to stop caring so much. “We ensure every one of our providers has a completely laissez-faire attitude toward serious bodily harm,” said Director Steve Richards. “Whatever injury you suffered, our dads here will recognize that it is your fault, so you need to just buck up and deal with it. Our system is so much better than all the whining and coddling that happens in modern medicine. You’ll be back on your feet in no time!”

The hospital will also incorporate volunteer grandfathers who will regale patients with horrific tales of what medicine was like back in their day. Any patient who refuses to simply shake off a broken femur will be assigned a grandfather to explain how lucky the patient is to not be having his leg chopped off. The cost of care is expected to be a small fraction of traditional medical care, and payments may be made in either cash or beer.

At publishing time, the hospital was receiving a shipment of dirt for dads to rub on wounds that won’t stop bleeding.

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

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