BUFFALO, NY—Local man Andrés Rodriguez checked today’s news to see if his morning cup of coffee would be be causing imminent death or granting him immortality. 

“Always exciting to see what coffee is up to,” said Mr. Rodriguez as he opened the paper. “Today it may cause pancreatic cancer, tomorrow could be the fountain of youth. It’s a game of Russian roulette in every morning brew!”

Over the past decade, experts have determined that coffee absolutely causes, and undoubtedly cures, every single cancer in existence. “Studies have definitively shown that drinking coffee every day will cause cancer to explode out of your intestines into every internal organ,” said researcher Dr. Stanley Bigham. “Studies have also irrefutably demonstrated that daily coffee intake will allow you to live forever and can cure AIDS with a single sip. Those beans are magic!”

Given the data, experts recommend immediately guzzling a gallon of coffee and also never drinking coffee ever again. “Coffee seems to make you like Deadpool—horifically prone to deadly cancer, but also with preternatural healing abilities,” said epidemiologist Ashley Lavender. “It’s a real gamble in those grinds.”

At publishing time, Mr. Rodriguez learned that his french press coffee was actually five thousand times deadlier than regular drip coffee, but would also give him X-ray vision.

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

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