WILMINGTON, DE—Doctors report that President Biden is recovering well from his bike crash, showing only a few minor scrapes and advanced Alzheimer’s.

“It could have been much worse,” said Dr. John Rosen, Biden’s emergency physician. “His brain is a bowl of pudding, but his legs just have mild abrasions—so we expect him to be right back to his usual self in no time.”

President Biden was taken for evaluation to Sacred Heart Hospital, where he reportedly tried to fight the X-ray machine. “Hey! What do you think you’re looking at, bub?” Biden could be heard shouting as technicians tried to calm him. The President was then escorted to a room in the Emergency Department, where according to staff, he ate an entire roll of IV tubing before requesting an enema.

“The President will need to stay off the bike for a couple days, and also should have his address tattooed on his arm so he doesn’t get lost,” said Dr. Rosen. “Ideally, Mr. Biden should be kept in a circular room where all the doors are locked, for his own safety. Keep him away from any source of open flame, remove access to his bank accounts—oh, and change the bandage on his knee tomorrow.”

At publishing time, aides had brought Biden back to Sacred Heart after he took a nasty spill while attempting to stand still and wave.

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