WORLD—With over 30 million “#1 Dad” mugs given out this Father’s Day, all dads who received this mug have been ordered to face off in a giant deathmatch to determine who the true “#1 Dad” is.
“There can be only one,” said Chad Smith, a local dad. “It’s time for us dads to face each other on the field of glorious battle for ultimate dad supremacy. For too long, we have allowed millions of fakers to hold up their ‘#1 Dad’ gear unopposed, regardless of their actual dad ability and ranking. Our families should have thought twice before unthinkingly bestowing this dubious honor on all of us. It’s time we knew the truth.”
Initial reports indicate the world’s dads will face each other at sunrise in the Giants Stadium and engage in furious combat until only one dad is left standing.
Smith says he’s confident he will be victorious when the battle is over. “While all you dads were playing video games and drinking beer, I studied the blade,” he said.
President Biden will reportedly be exempt from the showdown as Hunter skipped buying a “#1 Dad” mug in favor of another $3 million payment from China this year.
To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.