PALMDALE, CA—This week, local man Joseph Briones gave a rousing speech to his family about his role as king of his home. During his monologue, Briones cast a compelling vision of male leadership, all from under 25 floral pillows on the couch.

“A man can do whatever he wants in his own four walls—he reigns supreme and unchallenged on his property.” Mr. Briones pawed away one of the small pillows encroaching on him while he spoke. “Provided everything gets approved by the missus, nobody can tell a man what to do in his castle!”

Eyewitnesses confirm that notes of lavender and cat dander wafted through the air, causing Briones to have an explosive allergic reaction. “I’m a bit allergic to cats, so we only have four—yes siree, my wife is lucky I’m so permissive in my domestic rule of this mighty domain!”

Sources confirm that Briones further elaborated that his work-from-home setup was yet another part of his castle where he alone reigned as King. “I like to have two desk monitors, so I can work with my spreadsheets—so naturally I have only one since my wife said a second monitor just looks obnoxious!” Reports say that when Briones says “home office” he means the 3×5 feet section of the basement where he works, which has also been decorated with floral themes and essential oil diffusers.

At publishing time, Briones finished cleaning out his garage to make way for another shipment of throw pillows.

Babylon Bee subscriber Jeff Morris contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”

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