Last week, Fox News’ Tucker Carlson hilariously mocked Stephen Colbert and his insurrectionist production crew after a number of staffers for his CBS show were arrested in a House office building and charged with unlawful entry.

If you missed it, here’s the video again:

Colbert addressed the arrests last night and, not surprisingly, had a lot to say about Tucker at about the 2:10 mark:

Note: The New York Times article Colbert is referring to. . .

. . .is quoting from Carlson’s show:

The Fox News host Tucker Carlson took a different view, saying on Friday night that Mr. Colbert’s producers had “committed insurrection” at the U.S. Capitol building. “It’s exactly like what happened on Jan 6., so we’ll take a close look at what the punishments are,” he told Fox viewers.

Here’s the entire transcript of Colbert’s monologue:

Hey, quick question, quick question. How was your weekend? I certainly had an interesting one because some of my staff had a memorable one. Here’s what happened. Last week, I heard from my old colleague Triumph the insult Comic Dog. Triumph offered to go down to DC and interview some congresspeople to highlight the January 6 hearings. I said, sure, if you can get anyone to agree to talk to you, and please don’t take this as an insult you’re a puppet.

Well, he did.

Democratic and Republican congresspeople agreed to talk to Triumph. He’s a bipartisan puppy. He’s so neutral. He’s neutered.

Now, Triumph Triumph and my folks shot for two days in congressional offices across the street from the Capitol building. They went through security clearance, shot all day Wednesday, all day Thursday. Invited into the offices of the congresspeople they were interviewing, and that’s very important. You have to invite Triumph in. He works on Dracula rules.

Now, end of day two, Thursday evening, after they’d finished their interviews, they were doing some last-minute puppetry and jokey make them ups in a hallway when Triumph and my folks were approached and detained by the Capitol Police, which actually, isn’t that surprising. The Capitol Police are much more cautious than they were, say, 18 months ago, and for a very good reason. If you don’t know what that reason is, I know what news network you watch, Kevin. The Capitol Police were just doing their job. My staff was just doing their job. Everyone was very professional. Everyone was very calm. My staffers were detained, processed, and released. A very unpleasant experience for my staff.

A lot of paperwork for the Capitol Police, but a fairly simple story.

Until the next night, when a couple of the TV people started claiming that my puppet squad had, quote, committed insurrection at the US Capitol building. First of all, what? Second of all? Huh? Third of all, they weren’t in the Capitol building. Fourth of all, and I am shocked I have to explain the difference. But an insurrection involves disrupting the lawful actions of Congress and howling for the blood of elected leaders, all to prevent the peaceful transfer of power. This was first-degree puppetry. This was hijinks with intent to goof. Misappropriation of an old Conan bit. Now it is predictable. It’s really Conan’s fault. It’s really Conan’s fault. You get it?

Now it’s predictable why these TV talkers are talking like this on the TV.

They want to talk about something other than the January 6th hearings on the actual seditionist insurrection that led to the deaths of multiple people and the injury of over 140 police officers. But drawing any equivalents between rioters storming our Capitol to prevent the counting of electoral ballots and a cigar-chomping toy dog is a shameful and grotesque insult to the memory of everyone who died, and it obscenely trivializes the service and the courage the Capitol Police showed on that terrible day.

But who knows?

Maybe there was a vast conspiracy to overthrow the government of the United States with a rubber rottweiler.

After all, Thursday night, the night that they were detained, was the 50th anniversary of the Watergate break-in. Are we supposed to believe that was a coincidence? Yes. And we all know the long history of puppet lawlessness. The great Muppet caper, the Fraggle riots of the 1980s. Who can forget when Kukla, Fran and Ali were hauled into the Charlie McCarthy hearings? And how do you think King Friday came to power in the neighborhood of make-believe with the backing of the head of his secret police, Henrietta Pussycat. Now attach jumper cables to your nipples. Now.

But in this case, our puppet was just a puppet doing puppet stuff. And sad to say, so much has changed in Washington that the Capitol Police do have to stay at high alert at all times because of the attack on January 6. And as the hearings prove more clearly every day, the blame for that actual insurrection all lies with Putin’s puppet.

But it looks like Colbert will need to do a second monologue as Tucker wasn’t done mocking Colbert over it. From last night:

“We’re scarred by what we saw last week. It’ll be a long time before we can revisit the Capitol again. It’s going to take a lot of therapy before we can recapture the carefree innocence Stephen Colbert stole from us.”



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