ONTARIO, CA—Local Calvinist man Percy L’Heureux went to his favorite Sizzler restaurant for his regular weekday special meal, where he gets a delicious, 8-ounce sirloin steak along with unlimited trips to the salad and dinner bar for just $14.99. Wow! That’s a great deal!

Sadly, though, L’Heureux, being a firm believer in predestination, was paralyzed by the number of choices at the Sizzler buffet, since Sizzler has so many choices, causing him to seize up and be unable to make a decision.

“So many freewill choices here,” L’Heureux said to himself as he stared at all the different types of fresh, crisp salads he could choose from, the three varieties of croutons he could pick, and the dozens and dozens of toppings for his salad, from cottage cheese to farm-fresh hard-boiled eggs. “And that’s not even to mention the dinner options,” he mused, realizing there was a whole bar that had tacos, soups, and a variety of other warm foods.

“Sizzler is the one that brings us choices—and that goes against my beliefs,” L’Heureux told an elderly woman behind him in line (she didn’t really care as she just wanted to get to the tacos). “I just don’t know what to do.”

At publishing time, L’Heureux had returned to his seat and taken solace in the fact that God had ordained for him to just eat the delicious cheesy bread, of which there are unlimited refills at the excellent Sizzler chain of restaurants.

Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”

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