WASHINGTON, D.C.—Justice Clarence Thomas has been rushed to a burn ward in Washington after he scorched his hands writing another “absolutely fire” Supreme Court opinion this morning in the case of New York State Rifle & Pistol Association Inc. v. Bruen, sources at SCOTUS confirmed today.
Thomas suffered the injuries after finalizing his opinion on the Second Amendment gun rights case and submitting it for publication.
“Hmmm, let’s see – why don’t I write a paragraph pointing out how gun control has been used by racists to keep black people unarmed,” the justice muttered to himself, causing his keyboard to begin to glow orange like a hot bed of coals. “Now, I’m just going to absolutely wreck Democrats’ argument that the Second Amendment isn’t necessary in the 21st century.”
Fire then erupted from his computer, according to witnesses.
“Oh no – I’ve done it again,” he said as his hands burst into flames, igniting his desk, carpet, and Trump bobblehead. “I hate it when this happens! Clerks! Get the fire extinguisher!” Clerks rushed into the room and broke the glass reading, “Break in case of fire opinion” and tried to put him out, but they couldn’t, as “the opinion was just too fire.”
Ambulances quickly arrived on scene and carted Thomas to his private burn ward, reserved for just such an occasion.
“He comes in here three or four times a week,” said his doctor. “We keep telling him to keep it easy and hold back on his absolutely scorching opinions, but he just doesn’t listen. He’s been diagnosed with a condition known as ‘being totally based.'”
“It’s incurable, sadly.”
Justice Sotomayor said she would have rushed to Thomas’s aid, but she’d accidentally tied her shoelaces together again, nearly strangling herself in the process.
Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”