CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Pastor Cory Jordan’s passionate, fire-and-brimstone sermon on the terror of Hell was really undermined this morning by all the adorable VBS decorations surrounding him.
“We’re scared to talk about it, but congregation—the torment of Hell is real!” shouted Pastor Jordan, as happy inflatable fish danced around behind him. “We have to come terms with reality of the deep anguish and pain of—ok, who turned on the bubble machine?!”
Despite his best efforts, Pastor Jordan could not seem to drive home the fear of Hell into his amused flock. “Pastor tried to bring the heat, but poor guy tripped over a pool noodle twice,” said parishioner Lauren Wright. “Then, as he was zeroing in on the chasm between Lazarus and the rich man, a huge balloon shark started losing air and heading straight for the pulpit. I haven’t laughed that hard in years.”
A frustrated Pastor Jordan couldn’t help but notice the widespread giggling as he vividly described eternal torture. “Here I am describing everlasting fire, and the whole front row has their heads buried in their bulletins, trying to stifle laughter,” said Pastor Jordan. “Oh, VBS. You never cease to haunt me.”
At publishing time, Pastor Jordan had decided to re-decorate the sanctuary with flames and demons to see how the VBS people liked singing their cute little songs surrounded by scenes from Hades.